Humbly Dedicated to:

  • Sigmund Freud (but of course)

  • An Interesting (ex)Friend

„So let me get this straight. You’re saying humans no longer need to experience orgasm?“ Mark asked just as the bartender put the coffee on the table which resulted in bartender giving him a weird look.

Amy was sitting on the other side of the table and she made sure the bartender went away until she continued her crazy theory: „Well yes, I believe humans have evolved to the point where orgasm is no longer needed. Orgasm is nothing more but nature’s way of making sure we create more babies. Dogs and other mammals need orgasm because they have conscious and they need something that will make them want to fuck. As far as humans go, I believe we’ve been conscious long enough to realize no sex means no babies and no babies means no humanity. We aren’t pandas that need to be told in which hole the key goes. Actually, orgasm is nothing more than a dirty trick and I feel like I’m constantly being patronized by nature.” Amy took a spoon of ice cream she ordered and pretended it was a plane going into Mark’s mouth. As she was getting closer to Mark she mimicked a mother trying to feed a baby – “Come on Mark, open your mouth, here’s the airplane, here’s the airplane. Who’s a good boy? You are, yes you are.”

“Stop it, you’re embarrassing me. There are people around us you know?” Mark said while turning around to see if anybody is watching.

“That’s what nature is doing to you with orgasm. She’s tricking you into thinking you’re getting something awesome and the next thing you know you have a mouth full of that disgusting broccoli porridge.”

“You’re saying orgasm is like broccoli porridge?”

“No, for god’s sake. If nothing else, orgasm is more like a piece of cake. It’s delicious but you don’t need it. It only makes you fat.” Amy answered just as she was putting a spoon full of ice-cream in her mouth.

“Last time I checked, I lost a couple of pounds while I was still with my ex. So, I don’t think if orgasm makes you fat.” Mark knew this remark will infuriate Amy.

“For fuck’s sake Mark, I hope one day you choke on that cake! I’m being serious here! I’m not saying orgasm should be banned or something, I just don’t like the fact orgasm is nothing more but a simple tool to make us fuck like rabbits. If I want to have a baby, I’ll have a baby. I don’t need a cheap ecstatic feeling to tell me that.” – Amy began going through her hair, something she had a tendency to do when angry – “If we’ve been evolving for so long, why orgasm couldn’t have evolved in the meantime as well? Instead of being just a dirty trick to make you have sex, why not make your eyesight better or something.”

Mark laughed, choked on his coffee, but somehow managed to give a reply: “Amy, you do know when you have an orgasm oxytocin; the feel-good-and-cuddly-hormone is released, right? So there you go, you get something else besides being tricked into having sex.”

“And you do know that hormone does nothing more than lower your defense and makes you trust people whom you probably not even know… Mark!”

“God, you’re impossible.” Mark began to give up.

“Look, I’m sorry. I love sex and I love orgasm. I’m not some idiot who thinks sex is bad and things like that. I’m just disappointed there isn’t more to it, that’s all. Are we really just dogs whose only purpose in this life is to be born, then fuck just so more dogs can be born? Does every emotion we have in the end, brings us to that?”

“At least we can complain how bad the sex was over a cup of coffee. Dogs don’t even have that.”

Amy took a second and gave Mark’s not-so-funny comment a thought – “I guess that’s true. At least we can complain how orgasm is meaningless and we can’t do anything about it, except to either refuse it or to enjoy it.” Amy looked at her half-finished ice-cream, smiled as she was taking another spoon and in a victorious fashion she lifted the spoon full of ice-cream in the air and said: “And to this truth, I eat this ice cream, no matter if it will make me fat or kill me. The point is, I’m enjoying it!”

“Calm the fuck down, people are staring,” Mark said in embarrassment as people and the bartender once again turned their heads in a weird fashion.

CAKE ICON CREDIT: Cake by Alena Artemova from the Noun Project


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